Not A Memoir - Be Ye Therefore Perfect

Clearly, Mormonism offers a lot of epic rewards. You just have to qualify for them. 

Easy, right? I mean, how much can the Church really ask of someone? 

Quite a lot actually. But let’s start with the “bare minimum.” 

In order to go to a Mormon temple and do things like Baptisms for the Dead, or get sealed, you have to be a member of the church AND have something called a Temple Recommend. 

What is a Temple Recommend? Simply put, it’s a tiny piece of paper that the man in charge of your congregation or area signs after he interviews you to determine your “worthiness.” 

Yes, it’s literally called a Worthiness Interview. 

Essentially, if you pass the Worthiness Interview, you are worthy by the bare minimum Church standards. 

Let’s take a look at what it means to be “worthy” by LDS standards (questions from 2018, there have been some slight updates since then). 

1. Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father; His Son, Jesus Christ; and the Holy Ghost?

Cool, starting off easy enough. Believe in God? You’re good. 

2. Do you have a testimony that Jesus Christ is the Only Begotten Son of God and the Savior and Redeemer of the world? Please share your testimony with me. How has the Atonement of Jesus Christ influenced your life?

Well, everyone knows that Jesus made it possible for us to be perfect one day, and he died so that one day we can live again. This interview is gonna be easy! 

3. What does it mean to you to repent? Do you feel that you have fully repented of past transgressions?

Oh. Ok, I guess we’re talking about my past mistakes now. Of course I’ve repented. At least, I think I have. 

4. Will you share your testimony with me that the gospel and Church of Jesus Christ have been restored through the Prophet Joseph Smith and that President Russell M. Nelson is a prophet of God?

Huh. Well, the history of the early church and Joseph Smith is a little inconsistent … and weird. But I guess it’s true? Everyone says it is. 

5. Do you have a testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon?

I’ve literally never been told it could NOT be true so … yes. 

6. Full-time missionary service requires living gospel standards. What do you understand about the following standards?

6a. The law of chastity. In reference to the law of chastity, have you always lived in accordance with what has been discussed? If not, how long ago did the transgression(s) occur? What have you done to repent?

Oh so we’re getting real personal now. Got it. Just me, a fourteen year old girl, and a middle-aged man I see as a pseudo uncle at best, and an uncomfortable stranger at worst. Cool cool cool. Yeah, I’ve always obeyed the law of chastity. Next question? Please? 

6b. Avoiding pornography

Ok so that’s not much better than the last question. But nope, no pornography for me! Bad, evil, of the devil. Definitely not for me. 

6c. The law of tithing 

Phew! Yeah let’s stop talking about my definitely-nonexistent sex life, and talk about whether or not I’m giving the Church 10% of my net earnings every month. Yep, I just love seeing that number in my bank account go down the first Sunday of every month. What a great feeling, right? 

6d. The Word of Wisdom, including the use of drugs or the abuse of prescribed medications

No problem there. I don’t even know where someone would get alcohol or drugs, and I’m definitely not drinking coffee. Or tea. But why not, again? I’ve heard it’s because of the caffeine, but every Mormon I know is addicted to caffeinated sodas, and the General Authorities are declaring their favorite Mountain Dew flavors during General Conference so … what’s up? Oh, it’s just cuz God said so? An obedience test? Right right right, got it. Yep, all good there. 

6e. Keeping the Sabbath day holy 

Yep, no shopping, working, or indulging in non-Jesus related activities or media (except football, but that’s religious, right?). I even felt bad when my dad took me to get fever medication on a Sunday! I told him not to, since that would be breaking the Sabbath, but he didn’t listen to me. Do you think it was the chattering teeth? 

6f. Being honest in all that you do and say 

Oooh clever one! Now you’ve got me. If I answer honestly, I won’t get my Temple Recommend, and then when we have Youth Temple Nights and I can’t go, everyone will know and ask why, and I’ll be the gossip of the congregation for at least a week.

But if I lie, then I’m being even MORE dishonest, and the Holy Spirit might tell you I’m lying, and I won’t get my Temple Recommend anyway … what a tricky spot to be in. I’m gonna say yes, I am honest. Definitely. crossing fingers under the desk

7. Do you have any legal actions pending against you?

I don’t think so … I hope not. 

8. Have you ever committed a serious violation of criminal law, regardless of whether or not you were arrested, you were convicted, or the record was expunged?

Does the time I accidentally stole a washer and screw from Home Depot after my dad let me hold them count? It was like eight years ago, but I’m still waiting for Home Depot to track me down. 

9. Have you ever sexually abused a child in any way, regardless of whether or not you were charged, you were convicted, or the record was expunged?

What? NO! Who would do something like that? Surely not a Mormon. Oh my gosh, I hope the Holy Spirit speaks up if anyone ever lies on THIS question! 

10. Have you ever committed any other serious transgression or misdeed that should be resolved? 

I … don’t … think so? 

11. Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Does the group who want women to be allowed to wear pants to church on Sunday count? I’m not in the Facebook group, but I think they have a point. Plus, it would be nice not to worry whether or not someone can see up my skirt. 

12. Do you have any unpaid debts?

I’m fourteen. Do fourteen year olds usually have debt? 

13. Do you currently have or have you ever had any physical, mental, or emotional condition that would make it difficult for you to maintain a normal missionary schedule, which requires that you work for 12–15 hours a day, including studying for 2–4 hours a day, walking or biking for up to 8–10 hours a day, and so forth?

Ok I know this question is only asked when someone’s getting ready to serve a mission, but really?! You’re having these nineteen year olds do fifteen hour days?! You pay them, right? No? They pay YOU? Oh. Wow. Uh ok then. 

14. Have you ever been diagnosed with or received treatment for dyslexia or other reading disorder? If so, are you comfortable reading the scriptures and other documents aloud? Do you believe that you could memorize appropriate scriptures and other information with the assistance of your companion? In what ways do you now compensate for this disorder?

Oh I didn’t realize I’d have to disclose personal medical information. Well, I guess it’s less personal than you asking me about my definitely very nonexistent sex life. 

15. Have you ever been diagnosed with or received treatment for a speech disorder? If so, are you comfortable speaking in front of others? Do you feel that you have adequate tools to help you learn, teach, and communicate?

Um, I think I talk … well? What, can only people without issues go on missions? Wait, I was joking. What? 

16. Have you ever been on medication or otherwise treated for any of the following conditions: attention deficit disorder (ADD), attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), or autism spectrum disorder (including Asperger’s)? If yes, please explain.

Maybe I should just call my doctor and have her send you my medical records. Would that be easier? 

17. If you were being treated for one of these conditions and discontinued treatment, did you do so under a doctor’s supervision? If not, why did you stop? How well have you been functioning without treatment or medication? When was the last time you were on medication for these issues?

Let’s just say everything’s good, you sign my little piece of paper, I don’t get embarrassed in front of all my friends, and you let me go? Hm? How does that sound? 

This interview is required usually every two years, but sometimes more. And remember, these are the bare minimum things every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints must be doing to be considered worthy. 

But there’s a lot more. 

• Church jobs, called “callings.” You can have one from the time you turn 12, and no, you are not paid. Only the Top Dogs get paid, though they’re a little cagey on the numbers. 

  
  

• Ministering, previously called home/visiting teaching. Essentially enforced friendship, with mandated visits to someone’s home. 

  
  

• Attend church every Sunday (was 3 hours, until it was cut to 2 hours in 2019. Everyone was super excited)

  
  

• Daily prayer and scripture study, both on your own and with your family

  
  

• More donations! The 10% tithing is just the tip of the iceberg, there are also fast offerings every month, donations to the missionary funds, temple funds, humanitarian aid, etc. And of course they’re not using that money to prop up their investment funds or build malls. You check the little box next to “missionary fund,” and it’s definitely going to the missionary fund. It’s a binding contract … right?

  
  

• Dress modestly. Mostly for women. Oh, there’s so much to get into there. The great thing about such a large number of LDS members going to the Mormon universities (BYU) is that when they come back, they get to convince people that the BYU rules are the same as doctrinal rules! It’s so convenient and not at all confusing. 

  
  

• No premarital sex, obviously, and also no masturbation. Trust me, it’s not at all uncomfortable to have a middle-aged man spend thirty to forty-five minutes lecturing a group of teenage girls on the evils of “touching ourselves.” Not embarrassing in the least. 

  
  

• No homo! Or as the Church calls it, no “same-sex attraction” (SSA). Oh, the Church loves to talk about how hard life is for people suffering from SSA … it’s not like they can just stop calling it a sin, so people will stop killing themselves at their church buildings because of it. 

  
  

• Boys are required* to serve a mission once they turn 18. It’s their duty. *Of course, the only consequence I’ve seen for an 18 year old boy not serving his mission is social criticism. 

  
  

• And what about girls? Eh, they can serve if they want. But we don’t let them go until they’re 19. We want to give them that extra year to try and get married, first. 

  
  

• Do NOT read or share anti-Mormon literature. What is anti-Mormon literature? Anything that criticizes the Church, duh. You should only trust Church approved sources. 

And that’s STILL not all of it. 

It boils down to:

Be ye therefore perfect. - Matthew 5:48

That’s not such a hard goal, is it? Just try your best, at every single thing, every single time, and beat yourself up relentlessly when you fail, because perfection is impossible. And don’t worry, you can repent every time you fail to be perfect, and God will forgive you. 

No wonder Mormonism has such a high rate of suicide, especially in Utah. 

Utah consistently ranks among the states with the highest suicide rates in the United States. For instance, from 2015 to 2017, Utah averaged 628 suicides per year, making it the fifth highest age-adjusted suicide rate in the U.S. during that period. Mormonism Research Ministry

Suicide is the second leading cause of death for Utah youth aged 10–17. And the state's youth suicide rate has tripled over recent years. ​LDS Newsroom  Mormon Stories

So if trying to be obedient, and aiming for perfectionism is making us want to kill ourselves, what’s the alternative? Where is the balance? 

In 2017, it really became clear that the perfectionist nature and requirement of the Church’s teachings needed a facelift. 

Jeffrey R. Holland, one of the twelve apostles, was willing to take on that challenge. 

In 2017, I was a teenager in the middle of my own spiraling anxiety, depression, burn out, eating disorder, and suicidality. Typical teenage girl. So when Holland took his place at the podium during General Conference and announced he would be addressing the paradox of perfectionism, I was ecstatic! 

I was about to get an answer I desperately needed from a prophet of God himself. Surely, this would fix everything for me. Holland would show me that puzzle piece I was missing, and I would walk away forever changed, able to strive for perfection while not wanting to literally kill myself for constantly failing. 

I’ll be using selected excerpts from Holland’s speech, but feel free to read the whole thing: Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually

 The Setup

Let’s take a look at how Holland frames the problem.

“Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father … in heaven is perfect.” With that concluding imperative, we want to go back to bed and pull the covers over our head. Such celestial goals seem beyond our reach.

He opens by acknowledging the impossibility. “Be perfect like God” is a command that instantly makes people feel like they’re drowning.

This is classic pastoral bait-and-switch: create solidarity through shared struggle, then subtly shift blame back onto the listener.

Yet surely the Lord would never give us a commandment He knew we could not keep.

Ah, there it is. The hopeful reversal. The “God wouldn’t ask the impossible” clause. This is meant to reassure you—but it also traps you. If you’re not managing to keep the impossible commandment, it must not be the commandment that’s the problem. It must be you.

Let’s see where this quandary takes us.

Spoiler: it takes us straight into shame, dressed up like grace.

Around the Church I hear many who struggle with this issue: “I am just not good enough.” “I fall so far short.” “I will never measure up.”

This list is meant to be familiar. You’re supposed to see yourself in it and feel seen. And honestly? I did. As a teenager, I could’ve written all three of those lines in Sharpie across my bedroom mirror.

I hear this from teenagers. I hear it from missionaries. I hear it from new converts. I hear it from lifelong members.

He’s showing you that this is universal. And he’s not wrong. But what he doesn’t say is why it’s universal—because the Church makes it that way.

One insightful Latter-day Saint, Sister Darla Isackson, has observed that Satan has somehow managed to make covenants and commandments seem like curses and condemnations.

Here’s the pivot. We started with empathy. Now the blame shifts. If the commandments feel crushing, it’s not the Church’s fault for how they’re taught. It’s Satan. If you’re exhausted and burned out and constantly falling short, it’s because Satan is twisting the gospel—not because the gospel, as taught, might already be warped.

For some he has turned the ideals and inspiration of the gospel into self-loathing and misery-making.

And there’s the clincher: the problem isn’t the expectation of perfection. The problem is your perception. Your despair is your fault—or Satan’s. Definitely not the Church’s.

In just a few short paragraphs, Holland manages to:

• Acknowledge the emotional harm the doctrine causes

• Reaffirm that the doctrine is divinely given and non-negotiable

• Blame your pain on Satanic interference

It’s a masterclass in spiritual gaslighting.

But let’s keep going.

The Tribute

Here, Holland begins the pivot. He’s already acknowledged the crushing weight of perfectionism and how people internalize that as personal failure (The Setup), so now he softens the blow with something much more palatable: reverence.

I believe that Jesus did not intend His sermon on this subject to be a verbal hammer for battering us about our shortcomings.

This is what we call a tonal shift. Instead of demanding action, Holland takes a pastoral tone, offering comfort by saying the impossible commandment isn’t actually a commandment—it’s just a compliment. A “tribute,” as he puts it, to how amazing God is.

No, I believe He intended it to be a tribute to who and what God the Eternal Father is and what we can achieve with Him in eternity.

This is a classic rhetorical move in LDS discourse: move the goalpost into the eternities.

If you can’t be perfect now, that’s okay—you just have to eventually become like God. And if you’re not managing that right now, well, don’t panic. Just focus on how great God is.

The rest of the paragraph expands on that idea:

In any case, I am grateful to know that in spite of my imperfections, at least God is perfect—that at least He is, for example, able to love His enemies, because too often, due to the “natural man” and woman in us, you and I are sometimes that enemy. How grateful I am that at least God can bless those who despitefully use Him because, without wanting or intending to do so, we all despitefully use Him sometimes. I am grateful that God is merciful and a peacemaker because I need mercy and the world needs peace.

This list of divine attributes—loving enemies, blessing those who hurt Him, being merciful and peaceful—is designed to comfort. To remind the listener that God is perfect so you don’t have to be. Yet.

Of course, all we say of the Father’s virtues we also say of His Only Begotten Son, who lived and died unto the same perfection.

It’s important to note what this paragraph doesn’t do: it doesn’t relieve you of any expectation.

It simply says that thank goodness God is good at the stuff you suck at.

This is why it’s so effective. It’s not framed as “here’s what you must do,” but rather “isn’t it nice that God is better at this than you are?”

But tucked inside that sentiment is the real message: this is the kind of being you are meant to become. Not now, maybe, but eventually. No pressure. Just divine perfection. You’ll get there.

Now that is actually kind of comforting. I don’t have to worry so much now, I have eternity to work on becoming perfect. Finally, I can breathe! 

But wait, Holland’s not done. 

The Disclaimer

This is where the emotional bait-and-switch really locks in.

I hasten to say that focusing on the Father’s and the Son’s achievements rather than our failures does not give us one ounce of justification for undisciplined lives or dumbing down our standards.

Translation: Don’t think you’re off the hook.

This line is where Holland draws the boundary around grace. He’s not letting you run with it. He’s reining you back in. And he’s doing it with a flourish of doctrinal highlighter:

From the beginning the gospel has been ‘for the perfecting of the saints.’

See? It’s in the scriptures. This was always the goal.

Then, just to make sure you don’t spiral too hard, he softens it again—just enough to keep you receptive:

I am simply suggesting that at least one purpose of a scripture or a commandment can be to remind us just how magnificent ‘the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ’ really is…

That’s right. The commandment to be perfect? It’s not about you being perfect. It’s just supposed to help you admire how perfect Jesus is.

And if it makes you feel terrible? Well … maybe you’re just not admiring Him hard enough.

…inspiring in us greater love and admiration for Him and a greater desire to be like Him.

This is the “aspirational perfection” argument: that it’s not about being perfect, it’s about desiring perfection—and doing everything you can to prove that desire is sincere.

So, to recap:

• You don’t have to be perfect. (Yet.)

• You still have to try to be. (Now.)

• And if you’re not improving fast enough, that’s on you.

Which means the pressure never actually leaves. It just shapeshifts into something harder to escape.

The Math Problem

This is Holland’s hardest pivot. After soothing you with the reminder that God is merciful and that perfection is an eternal destination, he throws you a buzzword: toxic perfectionism.

See? He gets it. You’ve been trying too hard. You’ve internalized too much. But don’t worry—it’s not the Church’s fault. It’s just your expectations that need adjusting.

My brothers and sisters, except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing…

Here, Holland reminds us that we’re all imperfect—yes, even apostles (subtext: so don’t be mad when we mess up).

But instead of using that as a launching point to question the impossible standards that lead to widespread anxiety and depression among LDS members, he softens the edge just enough to keep you in the game:

… so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call ‘toxic perfectionism.’

Note that he still wants you to strive. Just … not obsess. Improve, but don’t spiral. Be better, but also chill. It’s like asking someone to win a marathon by jogging calmly. The logic breaks down under scrutiny, but the language sounds reassuring enough to lull you into compliance.

We should avoid that latter excessive expectation of ourselves and of others and, I might add, of those who are called to serve in the Church…

Ah, here it is. The real focus. A warning not to hold leaders to impossible standards.

You—the overwhelmed member barely holding on—are cautioned not to expect too much from the men leading your life, shaping your worldview, and dictating the terms of your salvation. Just let them do their best, ok?

…which for Latter-day Saints means everyone, for we are all called to serve somewhere.

And just in case you thought maybe this was about giving you a break, he pulls the rug out: this expectation of service? It’s universal. Nobody’s exempt. You’re not being asked to be perfect—but you are expected to serve. Constantly. Faithfully. With a smile. Even while battling anxiety. Or chronic illness. Or burnout. Even if you’re fourteen and unsure if your skirt is too short to be considered modest.

Because remember: everyone is called to serve somewhere.

Just don’t expect too much from anyone. But don’t go easier on yourself. Just don’t judge the leaders. 

Are you starting to see the real purpose of his speech?

The Real Agenda

By this point in the talk, Holland has padded the landing. We’ve softened the commandment, reframed perfection, and issued a vague caution against going too hard on anyone—yourself included.

Now we get the moral of the story:

Brothers and sisters, every one of us aspires to a more Christlike life than we often succeed in living. If we admit that honestly and are trying to improve, we are not hypocrites; we are human.

This is Holland’s olive branch to the exhausted. It’s okay to fall short, he says, as long as you’re honest about it. But what he doesn’t mention is that in Mormon culture, “trying” still comes with metrics. You can say you’re striving, but if you’re not paying tithing, attending every meeting, wearing garments, and keeping the Sabbath, you’re not really trying, are you?

May we refuse to let our own mortal follies, and the inevitable shortcomings of even the best men and women around us, make us cynical about the truths of the gospel, the truthfulness of the Church, our hope for our future, or the possibility of godliness.

This is the real ask. Don’t let institutional failure, doctrinal inconsistency, or personal pain sour you on the gospel. Don’t get jaded. Don’t look too closely.

If your suffering makes you question things, the problem isn’t the Church—it’s your attitude. Stay sweet. Stay faithful.

If we persevere, then somewhere in eternity our refinement will be finished and complete—which is the New Testament meaning of perfection.

There it is: the punchline. Perfection isn’t for now, it’s for later. Eternal later. Somewhen far away. If you just keep at it—however clumsily—you’ll get there. Maybe. Probably. If you qualify.

But in the meantime, you still need to follow the rules.

And just like that, the “Be ye therefore perfect” commandment gets its gentle PR makeover: still required, still expected, just not right now. 

Keep striving. Keep obeying. Keep believing.

Forever.

At the end of Holland’s speech, I remember feeling … conflicted. 

Yes, I understood his argument: we take the “be perfect” commandment too literally, and just knowing we’re trying is enough. 

But … what’s the point then? If we’re all being saved by grace, how do my perfectionist efforts matter? After all, Hitler is being saved too. 

I guess that’s where the different Kingdoms in the afterlife come in? To separate those of us who tried, from Hitler? 

Either way, I walked away from that speech feeling as though nothing had changed. By Holland’s logic, as long as we think we’re trying, that’s enough. 

But going easier on myself would mean that I’m trying less. Is there a minimum threshold for trying? 

Maybe it’s being able to pass the Worthiness Interview and get a Temple Recommend. But if that’s the minimum standard, what if you can’t even meet that? I guess that’s where Jesus atoning for our sins and the repentance process comes in?

Over the course of my life, especially during my teenage years, I repented A LOT. Each time, I told myself it would stick, that this time I wouldn’t be lying to God and myself when I told him I wouldn’t commit that sin again. 

But of course I was lying. Of course I did it again. Because I’m not perfect. 

So … I should be easier on myself, right? But how easy is too easy? 

If I don’t go a little hard on myself, if I dismiss all the guilt, if I don’t beat myself up just a little bit, then am I even trying? 

If I don’t go hard on myself, am I going to be the one to tear my family apart in heaven? Just because I wanted to escape guilt? 

If anything, Holland’s words just confused me even more. 

Now, nearly a decade later, I can read his speech and see it clearly for what it is: performative reassurance that emphasizes forgiving others, especially Church leaders, for their faults, while still holding yourself to the highest standard possible. 

Like most LDS speeches, it was a cop out meant to serve the leadership, not the members. 

So we’re back where we started: desperate for our promised rewards, struggling to meet the standards required to get them, with no way out. 

I guess the only option is to hustle through.