Not A Memoir - Promises, Promises

Religons have an uncanny way of convincing people to act against their own self interests in this life, in order to gain rewards in ‘the next life.’ 

Of course, the weight of these rewards all hinge on the existence of an afterlife, where you get different consequences based on how well or poorly you followed that religion’s rules. 

Yeah, because your entire eternity should be decided on 80 years of actions ... that totally makes sense. 

But what are these enticing rewards? 

You’re probably familiar with the typical ones: 

• Living with God again

• Not going to Hell

But Mormonism takes it all a step further. Afterall, it’s an American-based religion. And what is American culture known for? Grinding to get that top tier, first place ribbon. The American Dream, baby. 

Mormonism doesn’t break things into just Heaven or Hell. Mormonism has ‘Degrees of Glory’ you can achieve based on how Mormon-y you were during life. They also claim to not really have a Hell, but that’s ... highly debatable. 

So when literally all of the spirits God made get an opportunity to live on Earth and then die, everyone is gathered together to be judged. Based on God’s judgement, you can be sent to any of these places, as defined by the official LDS Church website: 

3. Telestial Kingdom - Telestial glory will be reserved for individuals who “received not the gospel of Christ, neither the testimony of Jesus.” These individuals will receive their glory after being redeemed from spirit prison, which is sometimes called hell. 

Translation: For “Never” Mormons

2. Terrestrial Kingdom - Those who inherit terrestrial glory will “receive of the presence of the Son, but not of the fulness of the Father. Wherefore, they are bodies terrestrial, and not bodies celestial, and differ in glory as the moon differs from the sun.” Generally speaking, individuals in the terrestrial kingdom will be honorable people “who were blinded by the craftiness of men.” This group will include members of the Church who were “not valiant in the testimony of Jesus.”

Translation: For Bad Mormons

1. Celestial Kingdom - The celestial kingdom is the place prepared for those who have “received the testimony of Jesus” and been “made perfect through Jesus the mediator of the new covenant, who wrought out this perfect atonement through the shedding of his own blood.” To inherit this gift, we must receive the ordinances of salvation, keep the commandments, and repent of our sins.

Translation: For Great Mormons

All of these kingdoms are said to be infinitely better than Earth, all a step-up from life as we know it. They all come with great perks, like a perfectly rad body, and eternal happiness. 

And it doesn’t end there. 

The Celestial Kingdom, the best of the best, is additionally split into 3 sub-kingdoms (I know, who knew the afterlife would be so complicated?). According to the Church website: 

From another revelation to the Prophet Joseph, we learn that there are three degrees within the celestial kingdom. To be exalted in the highest degree and continue eternally in family relationships, we must enter into “the new and everlasting covenant of marriage” and be true to that covenant. In other words, temple marriage is a requirement for obtaining the highest degree of celestial glory. All who are worthy to enter into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage will have that opportunity, whether in this life or the next.

Yes, Mormons have their own, special, secret marriage ceremony. Well, most Mormons will tell you that what happens in the temple is “sacred, not secret.” Nice tagline, except they literally pledge to God in temple that they won’t reveal the secrets of the temple to outsiders. But no, that’s definitely not the definition of secret. 

But back to Mormon marriage. An important thing to note is that originally, when Joseph Smith had that revelation about the 3 kingdoms inside the Celestial Kingdom, the requirement for the highest degree was obedience to the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. 

Meaning plural marriage. 

Of course, that practice was disavowed in 1890. Except it wasn’t totally. The history of plural marriage in Mormonism is fascinating and dark. Think secret off-shoots of Mormonism, secret continuations of the practice, stuff like that. That’s actually how the off-shoots that produced Warren Jeffs (FLDS), and the Brown family from Sister Wives (AUB) were created. 

So, back in the founding days of Mormonism, if you wanted to get to the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom, you had to participate in plural marriage. 

The Church today doesn’t like to talk about that. 

Now you may be thinking, “What about people who did really bad things? Like Hitler?”

Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but ... Hitler is going to the Telestial Kingdom. 

At least, that’s the common consensus of most Mormon theologists. This is because Mormon Hell, known as Outer Darkness, has a few very specific, pretty much impossible to meet requirements for entry:

1. You had a face-to-face-level spiritual witness

2. You denied that level of truth knowingly and maliciously

3. You actively fought against God

So basically ... nobody is going to Outer Darkness. Though culturally, it’s often taught that apostates, aka people who were members of the Church but then left, could possibly be sent there. 

Now it may seem that with only good options for the afterlife, there’s not much incentive for people to strive for the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. I mean, if Hitler gets a happy afterlife, what’s the point of trying so hard? 

Well, one reason is because Mormon prophets have said that after you’re judged, there is no climbing the Celestial ladder. You land where you land, and you’re not given visitation rights. 

People from higher kingdoms can come down and visit you, but you can’t visit a higher kingdom. 

If there’s no way to progress later, you should probably try and get into the highest kingdom you can, right? 

Here’s where a really weird quirk of Mormon doctrine comes in. Again, this is one where seven-year-old-me was really confused, asked around a lot, and got ... bullshit answers. 

Mormonism hinges on a practice called “sealing.” This is what makes getting married in the temple. The rhetoric I grew up with was, “Instead of til death do us part, we get sealed for all eternity.” 

So, essentially eternal marriage. 

This practice also applies to family units. Since my parents had been sealed in the temple, I was automatically sealed to them when I was born. Then my sisters were automatically looped in when they came along. 

You can also do sealings for your whole family if you’re converts. You bring all your kids to the temple, and you do the ceremony. And yay, now your family will be together forever! 

This is a core doctrine of Mormonism, families being together forever. It’s one of the first songs little Mormon children learn to sing. 

“Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father’s plan.” 

Except … it’s a flawed plan. 

Those afterlife kingdoms we just talked about? Well, you’re judged and assigned to one individually, and the obvious question emerges: 

If I’m sealed to my family, but I am judged and assigned to the Terrestrial Kingdom, and everyone else gets sent to the Celestial Kingdom … how is my family together forever? 

This was a clear contradiction to seven-year-old-me, and I was really confused when no one addressed it in the lessons. Of course, being me, I asked around. 

“God will work it all out,” was a common answer. 

Ok … but why make it contradictory in the first place? God’s, like, super smart, right? He made the whole world, the whole universe! But … this doesn’t make sense. 

“God’s ways are not our ways,” people told me with a pat on the head. 

Seems like a cop out, seven-year-old-me thought. 

When I kept asking, the answers started getting darker. 

“When you choose to reject God’s love, you reject the sealing promise. Your family will mourn your choice to separate yourself from them and from God’s perfect love,” someone said from the pulpit. 

And once again, we’re faced with the most common get-out-of-jail-free-card: It’s your fault. 

This teaching enforces obedience and continued membership (and continued 10% tithing contributions every month) by holding your family hostage. No one wants to be the reason their family isn’t together in the next life, so people don’t leave. 

It also puts a lot of pressure on parents to raise their children so deeply enmeshed in the Church that they can’t even imagine leaving. 

Families can be together forever through manipulated guilt, shame, and fear of loss. 

But hey, it’ll all be worth it in the end. We’re promised that as long as we are obedient and do all the Mormon-y things, we’ll get some really amazing rewards in the next life. 

In fact, after you turn 14, you can get a glimpse of what’s waiting specifically for YOU. 

Allow me to introduce: Patriarchal Blessings. 

The name is a little redundant. There are no Matriarchal Blessings in Mormonism. Only men with the Priesthood (commonly referred to as the Power of God) can give people blessings to do cool things like (maybe) cure the sick, (maybe) give someone wisdom, and (maybe) be a conduit for God’s voice. 

Why don’t women get this awesome power? There are lots of reasons. 

The one I grew up hearing was that women have a power that’s just as special, and even more powerful than the Priesthood … 

You guessed it. Giving birth. 

“The power of Creation!” my teachers said. “Like God created the universe, we create bodies for His children to have here on Earth.” 

Does God’s power of Creation come with side effects like death? 

Why don’t men’s bodies change irrevocably when they use their Priesthood? 

Doesn’t seem fair. 

But don’t worry, if that answer wasn’t satisfactory, there’s an even better one: 

Women actually DO have the Priesthood! It just … looks a little different. 

No, women aren’t allowed to give blessings, or (maybe) perform miracles, but … we still have the power of the Priesthood. 

Let’s see how Dallin H. Oaks put it in 2014, coincidentally about the same time women were getting louder and louder about how it was unfair that only men got to have the Priesthood. 

“We are not accustomed to speaking of women having the authority of the priesthood in their Church callings, but what other authority can it be? When a woman—young or old—is set apart to preach the gospel as a full-time missionary, she is given priesthood authority to perform a priesthood function. The same is true when a woman is set apart to function as an officer or teacher in a Church organization under the direction of one who holds the keys of the priesthood. Whoever functions in an office or calling received from one who holds priesthood keys exercises priesthood authority in performing her or his assigned duties.

Whoever exercises priesthood authority should forget about their rights and concentrate on their responsibilities. That is a principle needed in society at large. The famous Russian writer Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn is quoted as saying, “It is time … to defend not so much human rights as human obligations.” Latter-day Saints surely recognize that qualifying for exaltation is not a matter of asserting rights but a matter of fulfilling responsibilities.”

Ok, Dallin. So we women just need to be grateful for the jobs you give us, and stop worrying about whether things are fair. Got it. 

So yeah, women DO have the Priesthood! 

Kind of. 

Sort of. 

Not really. 

Afterall, no woman in the Church could ever bless the sacrament or perform a miracle. Hell, a woman wasn’t allowed to pray at a Mormon General Conference until 2013. 

A woman could definitely never give someone a Patriarchal Blessing. But neither can most men. 

You see, there’s a special sort of Priesthood that only a few men at a time are given that gives them the ability and authority to give Patriarchal Blessings. 

Afterall, Patriarchal Blessings are a big deal. These are God’s words spoken directly to you (through a man authorized to give Patriarchal Blessings). 

Maybe this is the first time you’re hearing about Patriarchal Blessings. I wouldn’t be surprised. These are another one of those “sacred, not secret” secrets. 

You are very strongly discouraged from sharing your Patriarchal Blessing with anyone. 

Except your husband. He has a right to know. Though, he doesn’t have to show you his. 

So what even are Patriarchal Blessings? 

They serve a few functions. 

1. Tell you about your pre-mortal life 

Mormons believe that before each of us were born, we were hanging out in Heaven with God. Patriarchal Blessings often tell you about what sort of person you were before you came to Earth, and what your destiny may be. 

2. Identify your tribe 

Mormonism is entirely based on cultural appropriation, mainly of Native Americans (the basis of The Book of Mormon) and Judaism. Everyone who gets their Patriarchal Blessing is assigned to a Tribe of Israel. 

Yeah. It’s pretty disgusting. 

3. Promises that will come true in your Earthly life and the next life* 

*as long as you are faithful and obedient. 

Let’s examine how these functions played out in my own Patriarchal Blessing. I won’t include all of it here, not because it’s sacred, but because it’s long-winded. 

“Sister [Cipher], our Heavenly Father is greatly pleased with the decisions you have made thus far in your life; decisions that have brought you to this point to have a desire in your heart to seek for Heavenly Father’s blessings and counsel through your Patriarchal Blessing. You should know that Heavenly Father delights whenever He has the opportunity to bless His children here on Earth; for it is through their diligence and faithfulness to His laws and commandments that all blessings are made possible. He so desires to bless His children that he established a covenant anciently with Abraham; that through him and his entire seed the entire Earth might be blessed. Inasmuch as you are one of the Elect of God and of the household of Israel; you are an heir to receive this covenant as well. You will receive the blessings of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob along with the duties and responsibilities attended a member of the House of Israel; by virtue of your lineage through the Tribe of Ephraim.”

Most people get the Tribe of Ephraim. That one, at least according to Mormons, is all about spreading the gospel and converting people. 

Ya know. Because the whole world needs to be Mormon. 

“Sister [Cipher], Heavenly Father recognizes you as one of his valiant daughters from the preexistence. You were valiant there in your testimony of his Plan of Salvation and the role which Jesus Christ would play in its implementation here on Earth. You were valiant as you bore your testimony in the face of great opposition; for Satan was there and he desired to have you as one of his. Because of your great faith and strong Spirit you held fast to your testimony and thwarted the plan of the adversary. It is for this reason, that Heavenly Father has held you in reserve to come forward in these latter-days; that you might once again bear that testimony of his Plan of Salvation and the divinity of his Son, Jesus Christ. Your Spirit was strong and willing to take on this challenge of mortality. You were eager to enter this life and implement Heavenly Father’s plan for your life; that you might gain the privilege of returning to your Heavenly Father and live in his Celestial Kingdom.”

Oh my gosh! I’m, like, a super special spiritual soldier! Take that, Satan! Clearly, I need to keep that up in this life. Gotta stay faithful and keep kicking Satan’s butt! 

“I bless you to have the Gift of Discernment in your life. This will enable you to discern between truth and error. You will be able to make correct decisions which will help keep you on the path leading back to Heavenly Father’s Celestial Kingdom. I bless you that your testimony may continue to grow throughout your life. You will have the ability to bear witness of your testimony, as prompted by the Spirit. You will have the ability to carry your testimony on the tip of your tongue at all times; that you might be ready to touch the lives of those whom Heavenly Father has prepared and placed in your path to receive the message of the Gospel through your influence. I bless your body also, that you might have health and strength; that you might have the ability to sustain yourself through the rigors of your earthly mission. You will be able to accomplish all things which Heavenly Father has sent you here to accomplish. I also bless your mind that you might have a keen intellect; that you might excel in your studies and educational pursuits. You will be able to achieve all things which you set you mind and heart upon. I bless you as you gain knowledge, wisdom and understanding through your studies that you will be able to use them to help you to be a more profitable servant also. These things will help prepare you to become an instrument in the Lord’s hands in bringing to pass much righteousness; for Heavenly Father will call upon you throughout your life to provide service to His other children here on Earth.”

Wow! I only met this man today, and he knows that my entire sense of self revolves around being super smart! This HAS to be from God! 

“Sister [Cipher], at the appropriate time, I bless you with a desire to seek for a spouse in this life; a helpmeet who will stand by your side not only through time, but through all eternity. At that time, I bless you that you might use your gift of discernment to select a righteous young man; one who bears the Priesthood of God and had used that priesthood in His service; one who may take you to the House of the Lord to be sealed for time and all eternity. I bless you that you might keep this goal in your mind at all times; as you prepare yourself for this great blessing realize that this young man will be looking for the same qualities in you that you will be seeking for in him. Prepare well and you will be blessed with a helpmeet who will complement you strengths and weaknesses; one who will strengthen and support you through the trials of your life; even as you will strengthen and support him. Sister [Cipher], in as much as you will be a mother in Zion, I bless you with special gifts, talents and abilities which you will need to nurture your children in the ways of the Lord. I bless you with patience in nurturing your children; that they might feel the love you have for them; even as they feel the love which you have for the Savior and Heavenly Father; for they will want to emulate that love in their own lives. I bless you with wisdom; as you offer counsel to your children, you will be inspired of the Lord to say and do those things which will help your children to grow in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. As you go through life, your children will be a constant blessing to you; while they are young and in their developing years; even in your latter years; for they will bless and comfort you, as they provide for your needs.”

Ok, so I’m gonna have a husband and kids. That feels … odd. But hey! Destiny is destiny. 

“Sister [Cipher], our Heavenly Father has a great work for you to accomplish in this life. He has prepared you on high for a life of service here. As you receive opportunities to be of service in your community, in your home and in the church; you will be blessed as you seize these opportunities with gladness. You will receive joy in the service of the Lord in all capacities. You will receive sanctification to your soul and peace to your heart as you provide service to those who are in need. This will be a great mission in your life; for as you serve faithfully and continue to provide a righteous example for all to follow; Heavenly Father will continue to bless you. As you strive to seek for righteousness all the days of your life; you will find that in the last days you will have the power and ability to rise in the morning of the first resurrection; clothed with glory, honor, immortality and eternal life. You will enter Heavenly Father’s Celestial Kingdom with your family and there serve alongside your elder brother, even Jesus Christ. Your ancestors that have gone before will arise and call your name blessed for the service you have rendered them in the House of the Lord; as you provide for them the opportunities and blessings of the Gospel that they could no longer afford themselves.”

Alright, God has some pretty big jobs for me. I’d better make sure I’m super worthy, obedient, and faithful! I can’t let Jesus or my ancestors down. 

“Sister [Cipher], these blessings I seal upon your head, through your diligence and faithfulness, by the virtue of the Holy Priesthood, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

Because all of this will only come true if I do a good enough job being Mormon. Got it. 

Needless to say, I have not been obedient, so I guess I can say goodbye to that husband and kids. 

And honestly, if God was talking to me through that guy, it would’ve been nice of him to give me a heads up that I’m a lesbian.