Because of Her

Matthew McConaughey once said that his hero is “me ten years from now.”

While I respect his commitment to growth, I see it differently.

My hero isn't the future — it’s the past.

My hero is me ten years ago. And I hope — I believe — she always will be.

Ten years ago, I was fifteen, nearing the end of my sophomore year of high school.

Ten years ago, I was taking calculus a year ahead of nearly 900 students in my grade because I had already maxed out every other math course.

Ten years ago, I was singing in the most advanced choir class, the one no one made until at least their junior year.

Ten years ago, I was devoutly Mormon.

Ten years ago, I didn’t know I was queer.

Ten years ago, I was struggling with friendships, with bullies, and with bullies who were my best friends.

Ten years ago, I was panicking every time I got behind the wheel of a car, my mom gently encouraging me to steal traffic cones from construction sites so we could practice parking.

Ten years ago, I was trying my best to be better every single day.

Ten years ago, I was exhausted.

And I am so proud of her.

If I hadn’t pushed myself as far as I did then, I wouldn’t know that I deserve compassion now.

If I hadn’t worked myself to the bone on high school assignments, I wouldn’t know what I’m capable of now at work.

If I hadn’t set a standard of excellence for myself, I wouldn’t have been chosen for the incredible opportunity I have now — preparing to move to Germany for a job I once could only dream about.

If I hadn’t fought through panic attack after panic attack, I wouldn’t know how resilient I am now.

If I hadn’t navigated toxic friendships and painful loneliness, I wouldn’t know how to recognize — and treasure — the extraordinary friendships I have today.

If the me of ten years ago had been any less than she was, I wouldn’t be where I am now:

Happy.

Privileged.

Loved.

Successful.

Strong.

I hope I always keep improving.I refuse to lower the bar for myself — maybe someday I’ll learn to be softer, and maybe that will be healthier.

But for now, I honor the girl who carried me here.

She did as much as she could, even when she believed it still wasn’t enough.

And without her, I wouldn’t be the better, braver, happier person I am today.

I hope that ten years from now, I can look back and say that my hero is the me of right now.

The me who has the sweetest, softest relationship with her cat.

The me who writes constantly and honestly.

The me who is terrified but takes the risks anyway.

The me who is fearlessly honest.The me who is learning to have compassion for herself.

The me who is realizing — sometimes for the first time — that she is capable, kind, and brilliant.

The me who is moving to Germany in five months, scared, but doing it anyway.

Without the me of ten years ago, I wouldn’t be who I am now.

And I hope I feel the same way about myself ten years from now.

Because here’s the truth:

I’m already doing it.

I’m already more than enough.

I’m already my own hero.

And so are you.