Much Efficiency. Very Oligarchy. Wow.

DM Notes by God, Creator of the Universe, Reluctant Dungeon Master

Campaign Title: Now Presenting: The United States of America 

Session Log: I should’ve let the raccoons run the stock market.

Current Arc: Bureaucracy.exe Has Crashed

Party Alignment: Pain In My Ass

Recap:

I tried to take a hiatus. Get some sun, drink something with an umbrella in it, and pretend for a few minutes that I didn’t make a horrible decision when I decided it would be fun to determine humanity’s fate by playing DnD with the angels. But no, Gabriel kept doing Find My iPhone til I came back. Apparently he has an “epic idea” this session. Jesus help me. Seriously kid, where are you?! I could use some help! The least you could do is turn some water into wine. I have a feeling I’m gonna need it … 

Here’s what happened last session. 

The PCs and Players

• Michael - America (Chaotic Neutral Paladin)

• Gabriel - The Internet (Wild Magic Bard/Sorcerer)

• Raphael - Capitalism (Lawful Evil Warlock)

• Uriel - Russia (Chaotic Evil Barbarian)

• Azrael - The Catholic Church (True Neutral Cleric), but introducing a new character?

• Lucifer - China (Lawful Evil Wizard/Rogue)

---

Michael: Oh man, this session is gonna be sick! 

Gabriel: Yeah God, you’re gonna be so glad you ditched your work trip. 

God: head in hands, not looking up It was a vacation, an anti-work trip, but fine. If you guys have an actual plan, maybe this session will be fun. And productive. These humans are holding on by sheer will and spite.  

Lucifer: spinning his D8 like a spinning top toy I don’t know what you’re talking about, my people are doing great. Our economy’s never been better, our education is top notch, our government is efficient–

God: The CPP commits enforced disappearances of its own citizens. 

Lucifer: nods Efficiently. 

Michael: Ok let’s hurry up and play! Az, did you bring the new character sheet?

Azrael: Yeah, but why do I have to play the Democrats? They don’t even do anything! Why not just let God DM them? 

Michael: Cuz God won’t do it right! He’ll try to make them all productive and stuff. But you’re great at playing characters who don’t do anything! I mean, look at what you’ve done with the Catholic Church! 

Azrael: …. What? 

Michael: snapping and pointing Exactly. 

God: Ok, whatever. One less thing for me to keep track of. Let’s just get started. We left off with the election of America’s new president. Michael, who is Trump appointing to his cabinet?

Michael: Oh gosh, there are a lot of good choices. Lemme think … Hey! What if I did my buddies at Fox News? This election is a win for them, too. Oh! And I want that WWE lady as the Secretary of Education. Remember that time she got up from her wheelchair and kneed her cheating husband in the balls?! Totally epic! Oh, and I want that Florida guy. 

God: … do you mean Matt Gaetz? 

Michael: Yeah, him! We need another Florida guy. 

God: Ok, well you’re going to need the Senate to sign off on these people. Considering none of them are qualified, we’ll make it a DC15 Deception for each of them. And Gaetz is a DC 17, since he’s a known pedophile. 

Michael: Seriously? Ugh fine. Let’s see … Ok I’ve got advantage, since the Republicans control the Senate. Damn, it’s too bad McConnell isn’t Majority Leader anymore, I would’ve gotten a +5. Alright here I go. 

Rolls die

Michael: Hell yeah! Got ‘em all! Well, except Gaetz. Whatever. 

Gabriel: Hey Michael … what about someone else who’s been, like, super loyal, and helpful. 

Michael: Huh? You mean Putin? Wish I could, but my buddy’s got his hands full with his own government. Leans across the table to fist bump Uriel Heavy is the head that wears the crown, huh? 

Uriel: Oh my god, yeah, these Ukrainians are getting on my nerves. I need a nap. 

Gabriel: No, no, I mean … maybe someone who paid for your campaign? 

Michael: stares blankly at Gabriel 

Gabriel: He makes cool cars? 

Michael: … 

Gabriel: And rockets? 

Michael: Uhhhh … 

Gabriel: sighs. Stands. He does this? Does weird X jump 

Michael: scrunches forehead 

Gabriel: “I’m not just MAGA, I’m DARK MAGA?” Remember? 

Michael: Oooooh you mean Elon! 

Gabriel: YEAH I mean Elon! Who else? 

Michael: Ok, ok. What do you want Elon to be? 

Gabriel: I mean, he should do something pretty important, right? I mean, he’s really good at running companies. Maybe he can figure out how to run the government better? 

Michael: I guess I could come up with something … some sort of government efficiency program … but what would we call it? 

Gabriel: scrolling through Twitter X Oh! How about this? Flips phone to show Michael

Michael: OH MY GOD YES!! DOGE! 

God: Michael … you can’t just call a government program “Doge.” 

Michael: Sure I can! 

God: Please at least pretend to take this seriously. 

Michael: rolls eyes Fiiiine. What about the …. Department … of … Government Efficiency! DOGE! 

God: puts head in hands Fine. Just … fine. But you’re essentially creating an oligarchy– 

Michael: Yeah, yeah, who do I need to convince? 

God: Well, the Senate, for one–

Michael: HA! No I don’t! I have a legendary action, Strategic Government End-run. “Through an arcane loophole in the Constitution and a cunning manipulation of the Appointments Clause, you conjure a Strategic Government End-run, bypassing all checks and balances with a wave of your executive wand. This ability allows you to appoint a controversial figure (such as a technocratic trickster or social media sorcerer) without Senate confirmation—so long as they do not officially cast spells, only "advise" you on how to cast them.” 

Gabriel: Hell yeah! 

Michael: So now Musk is in charge of DOGE, he’s immune to Senate insight checks, and Public Scrutiny saving throws. AND I get +10 Charisma when justifying Musk’s role as “purely advisory.”

Azrael: shuffling through papers There’s gotta be something the Democrats can do about this … hold on … 

Michael: smugly, hands laced behind his head Nnnope. I mean, he’s not running the country ... he’s just helping me think about it … bigly. 

Gabriel: YEAH! Ok boss, I already know what we should do first. You’re gonna love it. It’s your favorite thing … 

Michael: Oh my god, are you serious?! 

Michael and Gabriel: At the same time We’re gonna fire everyone! High five. 

Gabriel: turns to Lucifer Take that! Our government is gonna be WAY more efficient than yours! 

Lucifer: casually writing notes Uh-huh. Sure, kid. Go wild. 

Michael: Ok, ok, can I do my tarrifs now? I’ve been really looking forward to this. 

Raphael: Hey, as long as it doesn’t crash the economy. 

Michael: Don’t worry, it’ll just make consumers pay more for goods. And avocados might only be available on the black market. 

Raphael: Higher costs? Hell yeah! It’s like legal price gauging! 

Michael: chuckling Since when do you care if it’s legal? 

Raphael: waves hand Eh, it just makes it easier, ya know? 

Gabriel: I’m gonna Twee– fuck, I mean X all the government employees and make them report back what they got done this week. Then ChatGPT can tell us which ones to fire! 

Michael: Why not fire entire departments and see what happens? 

Gabriel: Ooh let’s do that, too!

God: What? Are you serious? 

Michael: snorts No. it’s a game, it’s supposed to be fun, not serious. 

God: These are real people’s lives! Remember? Humanity? We kinda created them? 

Gabriel: No, no, it’ll be fun! They’ll love it! Anyways, Michael, I’ve got this idea–

God: stands up and walks to the door. I quit. I can’t do this anymore. I mean, the Black Plague was bad, but this–

Lucifer: leaning his chair back, feet propped up on the table So you’re gonna leave us unsupervised? Cool. 

God: FUCK!